Shitty 80's Horror Movie Review: Friday the 13th (franchise)

Wow, I'm starting to run out of these now. I need to start watching on a regular basis again so that I can keep putting these things out.

Okay, so, this series...

So much Ed Gein references. Much.

Friday the 13th (1980)

Friday the 13th II (1981)

Friday the 13th III: 3d (1982)

Friday the 13th IV: The Final Chapter (1984)

Friday the 13th V: A New Beginning (1985)

Friday the 13th VI: Jason Lives (1986)

Friday the 13th VII: The New Blood (1988)

Friday the 13th VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

Friday the 13th IX: Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday (1993)

Friday the 13th X: Jason X (2002)

Friday the 13th XI: Freddy Vs. Jason (2003)

Friday the 13th *Remake* (2009)

God... 12 movies. TWELVE! All in all, I was happy with this franchise. I'm not saying I want any more... because I don't... but they were better than some of the movies I've watched for this blog *coughPhantasmcough*

Shitty 80's Horror Movie Review: House (franchise)

I had never even HEARD of this franchise before, and some of the people who said they saw it had no idea there was more than one. So, that should tell you how popular it was.

House (1986)

 House II: The Second Story (1987)

House III: The Horror Show (1989) 

 House IV: Home Deadly Home (1992)

Shitty 80's Horror Movie Review: Killer Klowns From Outer Space

THIS MOVIE WAS FANTASTIC!

I watched it while I was intoxicated and could not stop laughing. And I hate clowns!

And the music was spectacular.

At some point, I'm pretty sure I texted my friend and said that I was going to scare sober!me by making a really creepy close-ups picture of one of the clowns as my background and then when I woke up (not remembering anything) I would piss myself when I turned on my computer.

...As it turned out, she talked me out of it, but I still had a ton of screen caps on my desktop and I texted her the next day:

I also apparently claimed that I was going to rewrite the script for the movie to make it more modern and then send it to Tim Burton and insist he be as dark and R-rated as he could be with it. And I think I cast the key roles of the movie as well. Something about Johnny Depp being the ice cream truck and Armie Hammer as the police chief or something.

I am completely awesome when I am not in my right mind.

Shitty 80's Horror Movie Review: Monkey Shines

MONKEYS!

Monkey Shines (1988)

For some reason, I always thought that the movie Monkey Shines was the one about the little toy monkey with the cymbals and when ever he crashed the cymbals together, someone died. I was sadly mistaken. No evil toy monkeys for me.

I get a real one!

My favorite animal in the whole wide world (and the one that I would totally get if I could) is the capuchin monkey. They are so tiny and so cute!

...And could potentially kill me by biting my face off!

Or, you know, taking over my wheelchair and stuff.

Shitty 80's Horror Movie Review: Monster Dog

Really?

Really...?

This movie was so horrible that it just became awesome again.  I like Alice Cooper, I really do. I've heard he's a nice guy (I know someone who met him) and he's very intelligent and well spoken outside of his stage persona, but this movie...

Wow.

It was seriously an hour and a half excuse for some new music videos and a bad interpretation of The Wolf Man. They even used a picture of Lon Chaney Jr. in the "ancient" text that told them that werewolves were a thing.

Monster Dog (1984)

Shitty 80's Horror Movie Review: Chopping Mall

This one, I had seriously never even heard of before. It was a suggestion from my friend and I was so excited to watch it!

And then I wasn't.

It sort of reminded me of 'Short Circuit' gone wrong and mixed a little with 'Dawn of the Dead.' Dangers of technology and the machines that become self aware and hostile all the while trapped in a shopping mall with no one to help you.

Chopping Mall (1986)

Shitty 80's Horror Movie Review: Happy Birthday To Me

This is one of those movies that I've seen little bits of parodies and things all my life, but have never actually watched the original movie. I know they made references to it on an episode of Supernatural (complete with Dean tried to a chair with a jaunty little party hat) but this was the very first time I just sat down and watched it.

Happy Birthday To Me (1981)

I think the main thing that bothered me about this movie was that you were never quite sure of anyone's dating status. I just assumed they passed each other back and forth like solo cups at a frat party and called it "hanging out."

Shitty 80's Horror Movie Review: Bloody Birthday

So, this is kind of like a 'Village of the Damned' situation... only with psychopaths instead of aliens.

Bloody Birthday (1981)

Shitty 80's Horror Movie Review: Slaughter High

After all those long marathons of a single franchise, I decided to throw in some single movies so that I wouldn't have to remember facts and dates and stuff. So, the next few will be single or just double movies that I could watch and then promptly forget about in preparation for the next franchise.

This movie was kinda fun to watch. It really reminded me of something like Valentine where a kid gets picked on a lot in school and then gets revenge years later to all the people that made his life miserable.

Same basic principle, just with a creepy clown mask instead of a cherub.

Slaughter High (1986)

Shitty 80's Horror Movie Review: Puppetmaster (franchise)

SO MANY CONTINUITY ERRORS!

There were just so many...

It's like the makers of all the sequels just DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER to watch the other movies in the franchise before they began writing the scripts.

I had heard about these movies for years from a good friend of mine who loves crappy horror movies as much as I do and I must say, I was a bit surprised and kind of felt a little gypped. The little puppets were not the bad guys like I previously thought. Honestly, I think that might have been more terrifying. Seriously, imagine tiny little dolls that look like Tim Burton nightmares running around your feet and trying to kill you. (Oh, wait... that's "Demonic Toys")

As it turns out, the little guys were good and managed to save the day more than once, despite GLARING inaccuracies in timeline and story consistency.

Puppetmaster (1989)

Puppet MasterII: His Unholy Creation (1991)

Puppet Master III: Toulon's Revenge (1991)

Puppet Master IV: The Demon (1993)

Puppet Master V: The Final Chapter (1994)

Puppet Master VI: Curse of the Puppet Master (1998)

Puppet Master VII: Retro Puppet Master (1999)

Puppet Master VIII: The Legacy (2003)

Puppet Master IX: Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys (2004)

Puppet Master X: Axis of Evil (2010)

Puppet Master XI: Puppet Master X: Axis Rising (2012) 

 They couldn't even number them right!

Also, why is the first one "Puppetmaster" (all one word) and all the rest of them are "Puppet Master" (two words)?

(Extra note: This series contained a crossover movie with the characters from "Demonic Toys" and therefore, I will be getting to that franchise sooner or later as well.)

Shitty 80's Horror Movie Review: The Curse (franchise)

Sorry this is a day late. I've been busy. I just moved and I've been running around with job interviews and packing and shit. I am le tired.

Alright, so...

I have a reason for watching this movie. It is not a good one, but damnit it's a reason.  Wil Wheaton, someone who I think is hilarious and awesome, said this film was the worst mistake he ever made. Now, with me, when celebrities say things like that, OF COURSE I have to watch them! (See: Misha Collins and his hatred of Karla)

This movie was weird. And usually I like weird, but this one just... Wow.

The Curse (1987)

Curse II: The Bite (1989)

Yeah, the sequel was no better... I don't even think it was meant to be a sequel, but they just stuck the title on there anyway as an after-thought.

EDIT: HOLY SHIT, I just found out there's a third one... I'll put it on the list.)

Shitty 80's Horror Movie Review: The Fog (franchise)

I do have to say that these movies were really just so that I could slow down after watching such long franchises. I didn't particularly enjoy them, but I didn't particularly hate them either. They were both just kind of blah for me.

The Fog (1980)

The Fog *Remake* (2005)

I did think that the remake was a giant pile of shit, though. Made no sense to me whatsoever and might as well have been called something else since it hardly resembled the first one anyway. Just one of those remakes that people scorn at because taking a shitty movie from 20 years ago and making it worse... well, that's just the lamest thing ever.

Shitty 80's Horror Movie Review: Poltergeist (franchise)

This is one of those movies that I know, at some point in my life, I've watched at least part of, but could never quite remember what it was actually about other than the scene where the clown doll tries to drag the kid under the bed.

Nope!

The sequels are just ridiculous. They kept forgetting people! I think someone once mentioned to me that the girl who played the older sister died before the second one came out, but they didn't even TALK about her or hint that they even remember that the teenager existed.  Then the third one was the just the little girl, because apparently everyone just abandoned her so she had to go live in the city with relatives.

Poltergeist (1982)

Poltergeist II: The Other Side (1986)

Poltergeist III (1988)

Shitty 80's Horror Movie Review: Halloween (franchise)

This was one of those movie franchises that everyone always brings up when you're talking about crappy 80's horror movies (even though the first one came out in '78) and I always got a lot of shit for never seeing it sooner. I mean, come on, Jamie Lee Curtis, scream queen...

Except for the whole never-dying thing and the fact that he keeps coming back from the dead over and over again, the concept for the first movie in the franchise is completely plausible. Kid with certain mental problems (sociopathy, most likely) kills sister and gets put away, breaks out and targets teenagers. His lack of conversational skills and his downright fascination with his own work (like that scene when The Shape just takes a step back and looks at the kid he's just killed like it's a piece of art) point to something in that area.

I liked the first one. The others, not so much. Especially when they started just ignoring the timelines and making shit up.

Halloween (1978)

 Halloween II: The Nightmare Isn't Over (1981)

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)

 Halloween IV: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)

Halloween V: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989)

Halloween VI: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)

Halloween VII: H20 Twenty Years Later (1998)

Halloween VIII: Resurrection (2002)

Halloween *Remake* (2007)

Halloween II *Remake* (2009)

Yeah, and as you can see, the remakes were not really my favorite things in the world, but I tried to look at them objectively with my film student hat of appreciation.