How Do Human?

I feel like a human being today. That hasn’t been the case for a while now. For the longest time I was bombarded with migraines and other smaller headaches. Then when this went away, depression hit me hard. Like, really hard. I was sleeping when I wasn’t at work, I wasn’t showering, I wasn’t brushing my hair, I wasn’t brushing my teeth (yay masks, right?), I was neglecting my dog, I had piles of clothes everywhere and trash filling my room... it was not pretty. I could not get out of bed most days. I called in to work so much that I have no time left at all. I was like a unfeeling blob mass. I didn’t want to do anything: read, listen to music, watch TV... nothing.

It’s been tough. It’s taken me years to come to terms with the fact that I have to rely on medication just to get through a day like a normal person. But that’s just the way it is. That’s the way it has to be, otherwise I will literally cease to function. Depression meds, anxiety meds, mood enhancer meds, thyroid meds, migraine preventative meds, and migraine pain meds. These are the things keeping me alive right now.

This morning, I woke up, took the dog out, got dressed, packed my lunch and book bag, ate breakfast and made it to work on time. I’ve got stuff going on, I cleaned, I’m sewing... I want to cry but I can’t. But I feel good. I feel so good. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. What do you do with all this? How do you live?

Fuck, I hope this all doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass later. (See, there’s the good ok’ pessimism you know and love).