*BONUS VIDEO!* True Blood: Godric

When I was talking about True Blood in my last video, I COMPLETELY forgot to talk about one of my favorite story lines of all time. I am so ashamed. As soon as I found out, I immediately shot another separate video just for him.

I just have a lot of feelings, okay?

Shitty 80's Horror Movie Review: Killer Klowns From Outer Space

THIS MOVIE WAS FANTASTIC!

I watched it while I was intoxicated and could not stop laughing. And I hate clowns!

And the music was spectacular.

At some point, I'm pretty sure I texted my friend and said that I was going to scare sober!me by making a really creepy close-ups picture of one of the clowns as my background and then when I woke up (not remembering anything) I would piss myself when I turned on my computer.

...As it turned out, she talked me out of it, but I still had a ton of screen caps on my desktop and I texted her the next day:

I also apparently claimed that I was going to rewrite the script for the movie to make it more modern and then send it to Tim Burton and insist he be as dark and R-rated as he could be with it. And I think I cast the key roles of the movie as well. Something about Johnny Depp being the ice cream truck and Armie Hammer as the police chief or something.

I am completely awesome when I am not in my right mind.

*NEW VIDEO!* Let's Talk About: True Blood

This is another one of those shows that I just avoided at all cost. One day, my sister told me to at least watch the very first episode (she was still mad that I had gotten her hooked on the Twilight books).

I made it about 2 minutes in before I shut it off and then walked away. It was so BAD. The accents were horrible (I live in the south and hearing it every day is bad enough, but these people were MURDERING an already bad sound and it just hurt my brain), the acting was terrible, and it was YET ANOTHER vampire show to crop up form the craze that swept the world a few years ago and has still yet to end. I wanted nothing to do with it.

But I finally sat back down (after about a week) and made it through the first episode. Ugh.

I kept watching because my sister still liked to make me feel guilty about the Twilight thing and then FINALLY we got to the good stuff. And by "good stuff" I, of course, mean the first appearance of Eric Northman. Hellllloooooooo......

I'LL TAKE IT!

I decided to read the books sometime after that and... Ugh. Again. It's horrible. It is just horrible literature (much like the Twilight books), but there is just something about it. You know that you are going to hate every moment of it, but you just have to keep reading to see what trash the writer is going to come up with next.

I went through all of the Twilight books just waiting for steamy, sparkly vampire sex... Nope. Not a damn word.

I went through this, hoping for... Well, I don't really now what I was hoping. Something astounding.

I'm still waiting.

2014 Reading: Between the Bridge and the River

This book is amazing.

I could hear Criag's voice in my head the entire time (two of the characters being Scottish helped that fact to not be weird in my head) and that really helped. There was so much of HIM in this book. I've read his autobiography (and LOVED IT) and you can't help notice parallels between nearly ALL the characters in this book and Craig himself. His feelings about religion, nationality, philosophy, equal rights, death, God, sex, drugs, rock and roll... They all come out in some form or another while simultaneously telling a much wider story with characters who seem to be too large for life.

The story bounces around so much, and normally when I'm reading that kind of thing bothers me. However, his little asides are so fleeting, and often really fucking funny, that I found myself almost more amused by them than the story as a whole.

I've been a big fan of Craig Ferguson for many years and I think that his sense of humour stands out in something like this. But it doesn't turn the book into a laugh-a-minute riot on every page that you close and forget about as soon as you read the last sentence. I found myself stopping every once in a while in the middle of the book and just thinking. I would stare at the ceiling of my bedroom (I like to read in bed in the middle of the day, don't judge me) and just imagining what I would say to Carl Jung if he were to visit me in my dreams, or to Virgil if he wanted to walk with me through the desert, or even to a televangelist about his near death experience.

It made me think about how I was raised as a Catholic, but not strictly enforced so that I was free to make my own decisions about religion (and have, with many years of searching, come up with the resounding answer of "I dunno..."). It made me think about philosophy, how I see the world and how the world might perceive me. About what might happen after I die (however and whenever that happens).

I don't know if Craig meant to put all of these thoughts into my head as I read this book, but something tells me he did. He's a very smart man who has seen more in his time than I think I am ever likely to see in mine. And he puts it down in such a way, so approachable and down-to-earth, that I think if I ever met him (after I make an ass of myself by fangirling all over him) I'll shake his hand and just THANK him for the book. For putting it down on paper and releasing it.

Art is meant to make you feel something. Question yourself, others, and the world around you.

This book is art.

2014 Reading: Don't Look Behind You

Yet another one from Lois Duncan, Don't Look Behind You.

This is a terrible title for this book. Given the subject matter, it SHOULD be called "Look Behind You At All Times, Because People Are Trying To Kill You And Your Family In Horrible Ways Because You Are A Whiny Bitch Who Can't Keep Her Fool Mouth Shut."

I kept wanting to punch the main character in the face throughout this book. Boo hoo, you had to leave your high school boyfriend (who started dating your best friend right after you left anyway) behind. THERE ARE PEOPLE TRYING TO KILL YOU AND YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY. Quit being selfish and man the fuck up. And stop telling people who you really are!! OMG, do you really not understand the point of the Witness Protection Program?!?! Put on your big girl panties and stop fucking whining!

Other than that, the book was pretty good.

I think at some point, I want to read more of Lois Duncan's work because it is short and easy to get through, plus it gets my mind off of things for a while without actually taking over my life like a longer piece of work would. Since I work in a library now, that might actually happen because it doesn't really require any extra effort on my part. (I am laaaaaazzzzzzyyyyyyyy....)

It also seems as though a lot of movies have been made off of these books. They may not be named the same thing but most of the plots are the same. They seem like they would be good for 80's horror/thriller movies (that I would then make fun of in my other blogs).

Shitty 80's Horror Movie Review: Monkey Shines

MONKEYS!

Monkey Shines (1988)

For some reason, I always thought that the movie Monkey Shines was the one about the little toy monkey with the cymbals and when ever he crashed the cymbals together, someone died. I was sadly mistaken. No evil toy monkeys for me.

I get a real one!

My favorite animal in the whole wide world (and the one that I would totally get if I could) is the capuchin monkey. They are so tiny and so cute!

...And could potentially kill me by biting my face off!

Or, you know, taking over my wheelchair and stuff.

2014 Reading: Gallow's Hill

Another of the Louis Duncan books that my friend gave to me that is just short enough to allow my limited attention span these days enough time to read in about a day and not want to kill myself afterwords.

I liked the book. The subject matter was not really something that usually appeals to me, but the book was just fast paced enough for me to get into it without looking too hard into all the flaws.

Except one...

When did the internet first really start to catch on? Because I went into this book thinking that, like I Know What You Did Last Summer, this book was written back in the 70's or something and people had no real ways of communicating or getting information other than telephones or going to get books from the library, therefore justifying some of the themes presented about the  fact that this little town still had, like, bans on Halloween decorations and divorce was something to be kept under wraps.

After a quick internet search... heh... it was around 1990 that the first website was launched on the World Wide Web. So it stands to reason that this book MUST have been published before then because the internet caught on like a witch house on fire...

1997.

...

Really?

Are you telling me that no one in this little town had the internet, cell phones, pagers... in 1997?

Having said that, I honestly don't know what I would have done with myself had I been in the lead character's predicament. Probably either run away from that place as quickly as possible or stop speaking all together and then moved the fuck away as soon as I was able to steal the car with a full tank of gas.  Wow.